New Pot of Spring Teasers

New York Times Bestseller

Here is a small sample of my new book (soon to be a New York Times Bestseller), Zoë and Izzy's Fun Day. I got the idea for using old cereal boxes for book covers from thelongthread.com.

Turd Burglar Exposed

For about three weeks, my full garbage sacks awaiting trash pick up day have been getting abused by some unknown assailant. The suspect lies quietly in wait beyond the long shadows cast by the porch lights, and once the children are nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums dance in their heads, and Ma is in her kerchief and I in my cap, and we've all just settled down for a long winter's nap, out on the lawn the sneaky little creep slinks from the darkness and pounces my unsuspecting trash. Is it the rotting chicken remains from dinner three nights past? No. Is it the slightly molded bread that went uneaten and was thus discarded? No. Is it the fragrant coffee grounds or fruit peels that were accidentally thrown in the trash instead of the compost bin? No. Of all the things this suspect could raid the trash for, he chose poop. That's right poop. The only items removed from the trash, ripped open, and drug all over my acre of land were poopy diapers and dozens of extra ripe baby wipes. What kind of foul creature would engage in such a perversion of trash indulgence, I wondered to myself night after night. And then a few moments ago as I sat quietly checking my emails, mere feet from the scene of repeated crimes, I heard something. A scratching. A ripping. A picking. A snacking. A clawing. BOOM! I blast the door open with the force and vigor only a man of my profession can achieve. Caught! There I stood face to face with the perpetrator, staring into his beaded little terrified eyes. Mr. Didelphimorphia, or better known by his street name Opossum. After a failed attempt to intimidate me, he whipped his nasty long rat tail around like a bull whip, and staggered out into the night. Had this been the country, he would not have evaded. His case would have been rapped up in a moment by the judge, jury and executioner. But, instead, he lives to defile someone else's innocent filthy refuse. His free lunch program here is expired with the purchase of a new heavy duty ACE Hardware outdoor trash can. Case Closed.

Yellow Snow

I have no qualms with taking a leak outdoors. When you grow up in the sticks and you are out back clearing brush and all off a sudden you feel the rush, you are not about to run a quarter mile back to the house to utilize the facilities. You find the nearest tree or fire ant hill, and take a whizz on it. So, now that I, once again, find myself living with a barrier between myself and neighbors, I occasionally return to my barbaric ways. This morning, however, I was outside dumping compost and bagging up trash, which some unknown animal decided to disperse all over my yard, and the need for urination arose. Then, me and all my brilliance, without regard for current weather conditions stepped behind the nearest tree and dehydrated...into the snow. Let me just say, if I did that every morning I wouldn't need to drink coffee.

Green Up Your Thumbs

I finished building most of the 3'x7' planter boxes for this year's garden, but I still need to buy some more supplies to finish off the last two. I also want to build 3 or four smaller versions to grow whatever kind of flowers I can find that will entice the maximum number of bees to make their daily commute to my garden for work. I am not what you would call a green thumb gardener. There are some people in my family who could throw an orange peel on the ground and out would pop an award winning orange tree. That genetic sequence was not written on my DNA. I am a strong believer that if you are not good at something, get good - read, watch, ask, contemplate, plan, practice. Barring some mental/physical handicap, anybody can be really good at anything. These thumbs are painted green. As excited as I am to get my hands back in the dirt and feel the hot sun scorching the back of my neck, Spring has not sprung quite yet around here. The forecast is calling for more snow tonight and tomorrow morning. It will probably force me to delay some of the outdoor projects I have planned for my days off.

It feels like a decade has past since my last day off from work. The winter days around here seem to drag longer and longer each week. Of course, I have been working double shifts, part time jobs, and "business" has been booming (good for me not so good for society as a whole). There will definitely never be a shortage of idiots.

Simplified

I discovered new layers of ridiculousness in this hideous dog house left by owners long past. It has walls thicker than most homes, insulated flooring, a built in heater/fan, and weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of a metric ton. Somebody really loved there dog. I'm talking home baked casseroles and doggy oncologist kind of love. They are freaking dogs. There is a reason they have fur. I'm pretty sure they didn't evolve over the last few tens of thousands of years with the absolute need for doggy sweaters and well ventilated backyard studio apartments. I thinks we've all gone crazy with technology. We are devolving into a bunch of sissies. We sleep with blankets in the summer cause the AC is blasting. We turn up the heat in winter because we don't want to be encumbered by a jacket indoors. Ridiculous. Much more so than our society's overly catered pets, we are highly evolved animals capable of biologically adapting to a huge range of external conditions. I wish I would look at more of life with a historical and evolutionary perspective. I want to enjoy technology without depending on it. If the lights go out I want to say "Oh well." not "Oh crap!" My goal is to simplify. I do not want my life's richness and pleasure to be based on the nation's economic health or Apple's latest and greatest iWhatever. It's why I am a guy that is learning how to sew. It's why I like to read magazines that teach me how to bake bread and make homemade furniture. It's why I garden and chop wood and use a reel mower. I want to make each day one step closer to a simpler happier life.

New Coat for Melty World

It snowed so much even Cupcake needed a new coat. The skies dumped over one foot of snow in one day. This is Texas people...we don't get a foot of snow in one day...we don't get a foot of snow in 3 years combined. The whole experience has been somewhat surreal. It's melting now and we find ourselves trapped in swamp city. Nasty.

snow Snow SNOW

Built for Speed

Check out these bad to the bone shoes I made for my son, Nathan. Don't be jealous...You know you wish you had a pair just like them. Well today is your lucky day. Just download the pattern and instructions from http://www.heatherbaileydesign.com/Booties.html

It basically takes two pieces of fabric per shoe, some thread, a needle and about an hour. It doesn't get much easier than this. The downloaded instructions have patterns for 2 different age ranges: 0-3 months and 3-6 months. Since my 2 month old is built somewhat similar to Jaba the Hut, I went with the 3-6 month size.

A Crime

It should be against the law to make someone work on Superbowl Sunday!

Gray Skies

The gray dreary skies have been dragging over us for more days than I can remember. I long for a sunny break - a single refreshing blast of warm rays to dry out my soaked swamp, formally known as my backyard. All day, every day, rain, cold, rain, cold, rain, cold... I don't mind some cold weather but bone soaking wet cold is a different story. I have fifty billion outdoor projects I want to accomplish that are all patiently waiting on my pending list for the weather to get itself under control.

Despite the muck and mud, I am going to build the first 6'x3' planter box which will host the first early season round of potatoes and onions. I will be building the box out of 2"x"6" boards left behind by my landlord that appear to have been untouched since "Hammer Pants" were cool. Hopefully, they will do the trick and save me some cash. I am also in the process of building a bookshelf, a storage cabinet, and a semi built-in craft table. And here you thought I was a one project kind of guy. I'm loose in my construction morals.

I made Isabel an awesome pair of pajama pants, which I would show you but my stupid memory card reader decided to give up the ghost so I am presently unable to transport pictures from my camera to my computer...baby is crying and I am on duty...

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAMA!

Making Stuff

I've been working on a lot of stuff lately. I thoroughly enjoy making stuff. All kinds of stuff. Furniture stuff. Sewed stuff. Cooked stuff. Art stuff. Other stuff. (Note: I also like football stuff, power tool stuff, UFC stuff, and shooting stuff...thus allowing me the freedom to be well rounded in the "sissy" stuff.) Go check out these chicks* who make cool stuff. I like their theme this month.

*http://www.dana-made-it.com/