Turd Burglar Exposed

For about three weeks, my full garbage sacks awaiting trash pick up day have been getting abused by some unknown assailant. The suspect lies quietly in wait beyond the long shadows cast by the porch lights, and once the children are nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums dance in their heads, and Ma is in her kerchief and I in my cap, and we've all just settled down for a long winter's nap, out on the lawn the sneaky little creep slinks from the darkness and pounces my unsuspecting trash. Is it the rotting chicken remains from dinner three nights past? No. Is it the slightly molded bread that went uneaten and was thus discarded? No. Is it the fragrant coffee grounds or fruit peels that were accidentally thrown in the trash instead of the compost bin? No. Of all the things this suspect could raid the trash for, he chose poop. That's right poop. The only items removed from the trash, ripped open, and drug all over my acre of land were poopy diapers and dozens of extra ripe baby wipes. What kind of foul creature would engage in such a perversion of trash indulgence, I wondered to myself night after night. And then a few moments ago as I sat quietly checking my emails, mere feet from the scene of repeated crimes, I heard something. A scratching. A ripping. A picking. A snacking. A clawing. BOOM! I blast the door open with the force and vigor only a man of my profession can achieve. Caught! There I stood face to face with the perpetrator, staring into his beaded little terrified eyes. Mr. Didelphimorphia, or better known by his street name Opossum. After a failed attempt to intimidate me, he whipped his nasty long rat tail around like a bull whip, and staggered out into the night. Had this been the country, he would not have evaded. His case would have been rapped up in a moment by the judge, jury and executioner. But, instead, he lives to defile someone else's innocent filthy refuse. His free lunch program here is expired with the purchase of a new heavy duty ACE Hardware outdoor trash can. Case Closed.